BruBadger

Tagged by DCLeadboot. I've done something like this before, but he wanted to find out about another character of mine, plus I kind of wanted to get my previous journal entry out of the way, basically.

1. Post these rules.
2. Post 8 facts about your character.
3. Tag 8 other characters.
4. Post their names along with their creators' avatars.

Vixelle

1. She's older than Roocan - 34 years to be exact.
2. She first appeared in the Roocan comic in 2009, making her the last of the 3 main characters to be introduced (though no other new major characters have really debuted in it since).
3. She's lived in the city pretty much all her life, hence she doesn't speak with a "country" accent like Roocan and Uncle Skunklin do.
4. She's into exercising and healthy eating; one of her biggest regrets was when she only ate 4 A Day one day a few years ago.
5. I originally thought of her as being a single mother of a young boy who'd be revealed soon after her first appearance, but I didn't get around to that and I do wonder if it'd be a bit too late now.
6. I've also tried tweaking her personality as of late, trying to make her seem more enthusiastic and quite cheerfully fitness-crazed; earlier on, I guess I basically made her more of a "Deadpan Snarker", but I started thinking maybe having a sensible female character reacting typically to a goofy male character all the time seemed a bit clichéd.
7. I also thought of her as being Roocan's landlady when I came up with her, but I ended up casting her as working in a gym instead.
8. Like with Roocan and Roocanuki, Vixelle also has a Japanese counterpart: Vixune.

I know I tagged some others before, but I'm not sure this time.

I feel like I owe everyone this explanation. Some of you will surely have noticed how I acted in the past few hours - I  had a terrible emotional outburst relating to matters involving my artwork and my presence here online. Worst of all, the reasons will probably seem all too familiar.

Despite my friends reassuring me several times, I still felt insecure and full of doubt about whether I'm truly worthy of them. I still kept getting upset when, if I reached out to other artists who are close to my own friends, they didn't return the favour. It'd make me feel left out and thinking "that means I'm not good enough for them - if so, then what makes me think I'm good enough for my friends who are also their friends?", especially considering how I regard most of my friends as being much better artists than me. To be honest, I still felt like many of my friends were just putting up with me out of pity; I just felt like only by having the same watchers as them could I make them truly respect me and be proud of me. I was desperate, but I really shouldn't have taken this kind of thing personally and gotten so jealous again though. Why did I get so upset about it? I really wish I knew for sure, but I also wish I hadn't been so weak - things wouldn't have turned out this badly if I'd only managed to control my emotions.

I'm so afraid that my overreaction will have dire consequences for me; but I guess I can't really blame anyone for being unable to put up with me anymore when I seem to be like this all the time. I really hope I will learn my lesson this time though, maybe I really needed some kind of harsh punitive measure to finally stop me from ever being like this again. I'm sure I'll always regret ever behaving like this, but I feel like I may never truly recover or be the same again after this ordeal.

I don't want to make excuses for my behaviour, but it does seem like certain feelings I've been having have been eating away at me, perhaps causing a cycle of these outbursts from me when I try to manage them but eventually fail. A lot of the time, I do feel like I'm generally a failure and that I'm really not good at anything (I once spent 2 years looking for a paid job, and I didn't get a single one). I've been thinking that maybe I've been suffering from anxiety or depression, but I haven't dared to mention it since it seems like so many others I know online are suffering from the same things. I'm worried that I might offend them by suggesting that I may have depression too; I even wonder if people feel I'm too shy, simple-minded and/or untalented to be truly depressed.

I'm very sorry to all my watchers, and also to everyone I myself have watched, especially recently. I'd say my future here is pretty uncertain at this moment. I doubt I'll ever forgive myself for this, and I've certainly lost virtually all of what little respect I had for myself, but I just hope I can learn to have the strength to accept whatever the consequences may be and to move on.

You may have noticed that I deactivated my account here a couple of days ago; well, I've reactivated it now that I was able to do so. I just felt like I needed to deactivate my account after my outburst in which I thought I really went too far with the things I said in some status updates. It just seemed like the only way to stop myself from doing further damage as well as a kind of attempt to punish myself for acting like that in the first place.

I admit that I had been tempted to deactivate my account before, but hadn't actually gone through with it until this week. I'd basically been getting into various habits again like comparing myself to other artists here and generally ending up feeling less talented and successful than them. It made me feel worried that I might start letting my friends down for not making enough progress in comparison to others, quite a few of whom I will say are certainly seeming to improve quite rapidly.

I'm very sorry for acting rash and making anyone worry, and I am worried about behaving like that again. Also, I want to thank everyone who showed me their concern and support.